my journey of choosing recovery, finding balance and creating a life worth living

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The summer before my freshman year of high school, my parents sent me away to a weight loss camp. We were pushed pretty hard with exercise and were taught there are “good” and “bad” foods. I was a “normal” weight, but because I had put on some weight due to emotionally eating that year, my parents were concerned. At camp, I got sick the final week. I was vomiting due to a bug and had to sit out on some exercise routines the final days. We didn’t learn until the last day how much weight we lost, and how much weight we lost every week. I won the Biggest Loser award for losing the most weight out of every other camper. I was proud. And because I lost the most weight the final week due to being ill, I attributed vomiting as the key to continue losing weight. I became preoccupied with losing weight. My eating disorder began as a desire to continue pleasing others, and quickly led me to restricting, purging and a poor body image. At the beginning of the next year I reached out for help, realizing I was in this battle all alone, and wanting some kind of help because it was so miserable and lonely. The first therapist I ever saw was gleeful I had only been active in my eating disorder for less than a year and kept saying we would “nip it on the bud”. Hearing those words angered my eating disorder. It was as if I was taken over by a monster. I wasn’t myself and I wasn’t making decisions I’d normally make. I would isolate myself and refuse to hang out with friends, even when they begged me to, because it wanted me to be alone. As I got smaller, my world got smaller. I was in and out of treatment much of my teenage years and early adulthood. I finally got into more solid recovery a few years ago. I now choose to face the pain I tried so hard to numb and avoid with these behaviors. One of the greatest rewards is seeing food as the nourishment it is, and something to enjoy, rather than punishment or means of coping. I’m very self aware and skillful now, too. I’m not just the girl with problems. I went through some hard times, but I’m not defined by them. I’m a brave, strong and bright woman who shows up to herself and her life.

Don’t include numbers (weights, sizes or calories). These details can easily trigger others and are unnecessary to include. Your story is about recovery from a mental illness; it’s not a competition of “how sick I was”. Participate in #BoycottTheBefore if you feel tempted to share a “before” photo of you at your sickest. “Before” photos can be triggering and damaging to others, as well as reinforce the untrue narrative that your struggles are only real or valid if you’re thin or emaciated. Also keep in mind that your “before” could be used as “thinspiration” content. Find the gray areas. It’s easy to think in “all-or-nothing”. Finding the gray areas in your story can help keep it balanced and make it more understandable to others. Keep the community in mind. If you have a public account, anyone can come across your post. Keep your message recovery-oriented, light and educational. NEDA Awareness Week especially is a time to educate the public on this public health crisis and be heard. I like to imagine myself right now sharing my story to a group of young students, which I have done before. How can I make this informative and educational, but also personal? How can I be taken seriously? Is this educational, or is it teetering on the side of being sensationalistic? Have compassion and be mindful. Ask yourself, “If I was struggling right now, would this post trigger or upset me?”. If it would, maybe rethink sharing it. Ask other people in the recovery community if they think your post is appropriate before sharing it to a wider audience. Be authentic. You don’t need to add graphic or unnecessary details to be taken seriously. Your eating disorder struggle is real and valid no matter what size or weight you were or are. Eating disorders are mental illnesses. Don’t feel the need to prove yourself to anyone else. Whether you get 10 likes or a 100 likes on your post doesn’t have anything to do with how important your story is. Keep sharing your story if you feel comfortable doing so. I promise it will help or positively impact someone somewhere if it hasn’t already! It fills my heart with so much hope reading everyone’s stories for NEDA Week. 💚💙

If you saw me every day you would see me smiling and laughing lots. A decade ago you would see a frown on my face quite often. You would have also seen sadness and frustration and anger and confusion. I struggled with depression. I also struggled with coping with my emotions. Sometimes things felt very out of control. And I didn’t realize back then that it wasn’t my fault. Mental illness is not a fault or weakness. I isolated a lot because I felt inadequate or like a burden to others. I don’t hide myself anymore. It’s like I was missing out on something so cathartic and special for so long. A real smile and laughter comes naturally to healthy minds. To know the life where there was a lack of joy or relief for days at a time is to be grateful I know the other side now. If you ever see me laughing and it’s an honest, genuine laugh, I’m also feeling relief and pride. I’m likely thinking about how different it is now. I may smile a bit bigger or laugh a bit longer than everyone else just because it feels so good. It’s been a long road, with lots of dead ends and pot holes and wrong turns. I’m grateful for where I came from because without it, I wouldn’t know this joy.

My friend Errin found these words helpful in her own recovery when I said it in an interview from 2018 so I wanted to share them today along with an interview she did of me! The link is in my bio! I’ve always been a huge advocate for the idea that needing support is not a bad thing. I grew up hearing other things: “You’re too emotional.” “Be less emotional.” “It’s not a big deal.” “You’re fine.” When you’re going through something difficult, no matter what it is, it may cause you to be more emotional or put extra meaning towards things you wouldn’t normally because you’re going through a difficult time. And that’s exactly what is expected! However, it still happens where people don’t understand or may make you think you’re a burden. You can explore all of this in therapy and I think that really helped me get a better grasp of how I could face those people and advocate for myself. Even if I didn’t speak out against it, I could use therapy as a place to be heard and heal from it. Those closest to me support that I go to therapy to better myself. For me, part of the process has just been tuning out those who support me going for the wrong reasons, or those who think I’m fine. I especially love how Errin wrote a bit about this quote and how it shaped her into seeing her therapist as more as someone that helps her navigate her struggles in recovery. That’s absolutely what they are there for. It’s a great place to explore yourself and better understand yourself, as well as find healing and recover.

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