my journey of choosing recovery, finding balance and creating a life worth living

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My friend Tara of @honestlyfree_ed recently wrote a post about how she sometimes misses her “sick” eating disorder body, when she was underweight, and how that’s ok. And I wholeheartedly agree. It’s natural to mourn our sick bodies, or even the behaviors, because the eating disorder, in fact, did serve a purpose. Being smaller means being more socially acceptable, as well as receiving lots of compliments and fitting into smaller clothes. Missing the behaviors is normal to me because it’s also about missing the relief something like purging would give me. In recovery life, I have to do the work to self soothe in healthy, less destructive ways. It’s challenging. When I miss my smaller body, I try to remind myself that while I was smaller, my life and happiness was smaller. I often isolated myself from social situations and didn’t enjoy life because I was so preoccupied with food or weight or sizes. I think this quote sums it up well, “My worst days in recovery are better than the best days in relapse”. The next time you find yourself missing your old behaviors or body type, remind yourself of what you’ve gained, besides weight. I gained a life. I simply wasn’t living when I was using my eating disorder.

For #WorldMentalHealthDay I wanted to do the Do Your Makeup Like Your Meds challenge! As a teenager I tried different medications for anxiety and depression, and some helped a bit but nothing ever felt like it worked super well, and then for many years I didn’t need medications, up until this year. If your body needs medication for whatever reason, especially for chemical imbalances, there is absolutely no shame in that. I feel better and can better regulate my emotions when I’m taking what I’m prescribed. I also want to highlight that sometimes if we’re taking medications, when we start feeling better, we may think it’s ok to stop taking them. And I want to share from both personal experience and from what workers at treatment centers I’ve attended in the past have said, that it’s dangerous to stop taking prescribed medications as it can lead to a hospitalization due to withdrawal symptoms and other symptoms returning. Please consult with your doctor and/or treatment team before stopping medications. And lastly, sometimes I’ll feel “weak” for taking medications, but honestly I have to remind myself that me thinking that is projecting what those who don’t understand the importance of mental health onto myself, and it’s unfair. For physical illnesses, people take medications. It’s no different for mental illness — it should be viewed the same. #EndTheStigma

My friend Kar and I created @breatherecovery , a blog dedicated to your stories and imagery about eating disorder recovery. We’d love for you to submit! You can email breatherecoveryblog@gmail.com to be featured on our website and/or Instagram. We want to house eating disorder recovery stories to create a community where people can turn to to relate to others, find support and grow. You can write or create anything related to recovery, including essays, short stories, poetry, art and photography. Some topics for writings include co-occurring disorders and how they all affect each other, how to transition from lower to higher levels of care and vice versa, ways to make the most out of your treatment, being a health professional after you’ve recovered, playing sports in recovery, being an adult or teen in recovery, self help recovery books that you feel are extremely helpful, sexuality and gender in eating disorder recovery, journaling prompts on what recovery truly means to you, significant moments that you chose recovery, or quotes that help you most. ***We only ask that you do not include numbers, calories, sizes, weights, meal plan specification, etc. in your work. We will be proofreading your writing for anything potentially triggering before posting.*** Thank you! We look forward to continuing to create a safe and encouraging space for those navigating eating disorder recovery. Thank you @ed_to_freed for working on this with me ❤️

“There's a girl in the corner With tear stains on her eyes From the places she's wandered And the shame she can't hide ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ She says, "How did I get here? I'm not who I once was. And I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love" ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ But don't you know who you are, What has been done for you? Yeah, don't you know who you are? ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ You are more than the choices that you've made, You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, You are more than the problems you create, You've been remade.” - You Are More by Tenth Avenue North

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