Lexie Manion

my journey of choosing recovery, finding balance and creating a life worth living

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Lexie Manion

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I’m starting college courses again after a few years of taking a break due to mental health issues. I had a case manager in high school who told me many people with eating disorders don’t finish college or drop out, insinuating I wouldn’t make it, and I think that voice always stayed in the back of my head — that I couldn’t do it. I don’t think she realized the impact saying that could have. It caused me to majorly doubt myself. I think it’s so important to be encouraged and uplifted and believed in even at times you worry you’re not good enough or smart enough to do something. I have missed so many opportunities in my life due to not being well enough to do them, so I’m really excited and looking forward to fall 2019 to be my new beginning. You’re never too old and it’s never too late to accomplish your goals or follow your dreams. And know that even if you’re told that some people with your same struggles go on to drop out of college or end up taking a different path, you don’t have to be a statistic. And even if you are a statistic, that doesn’t define you. You are more. Let go of those voices. Your story doesn’t end there. You’re not a failure. We’re all just doing our best with what we’ve been handed in life. If you needed to take time off from school due to your mental health, I’m proud of you for taking care of yourself. Your time will come. “I know this is a fight that someday we're gonna win” ❤️
She didn’t make it to the Taylor Swift concert in time but she had fun walking around Central Park with her friend and somehow that was everything. 💫🌈❤️
To whoever needs it: what happened to you was not your fault. ❤️
I had a good childhood. At 8 years old I participated in competitive swimming, took violin lessons and had lots of playdates with close friends. At 15 years old, I had some new stressors going on in life. I was slowly developing a negative relationship with food. Food became an escape because it helped soothe negative emotions. The summer before my freshman year of high school I went away to a weight loss camp. Instead of addressing why I was overeating, I adopted a new method of how to cope: eating less and exercising more. The combination soon developed into a full blown eating disorder. An attempt to help me look healthier turned into a mental illness that deeply shaped me and influenced my life from there on out. At 17 years old, things were getting worse with life stressors and so did my eating disorder. At this point in time I had gone through many rounds of treatment for both the eating disorder and depression. Loved ones tried to help but the shame and pain pushed them away. At 24 years old, I’ve found balance in eating, exercising and life. Things are better now and I’m so grateful to be in recovery. I sometimes look back and wonder what life could have been if I hadn’t gone to that weight loss program, if a band-aid wasn’t put over my problem, if I hadn’t been taught that there is “good” and “bad” food, or that I get praise and love the more weight I lose. WW, formerly known as Weight Watchers, recently rolled out an app called Kurbo, a nutrition program aimed at kids ages 8 to 17. I personally find this new app troubling. My personal belief is that every single *adult* deserves body autonomy and can choose to diet and exercise in their own time, but it does become troubling the way we market some of these diets and programs. It’s especially troubling this is targeting such a young age group — the vulnerable and impressionable. At 8, 15, 17 and every other age in between, I should have been enjoying my childhood, not counting calories or obsessing over how much I weighed. Show me an app that supports growth and progress without the numbers and obsession. Kids shouldn’t be worrying about these things.
Have you ever seen a photo of yourself and been like “ooh no, not a good look”, “too fat”, “bad angle”, “I’m ugly”? I like to look at those initial snap judgments as just initial reactions; it’s your first reaction and likely comes with a hard hitting judgment. They happen. The thing about those snap judgments is that they only tell so much. Most of the time we find problems in photos of ourselves from being overly judgmental, to the point where a friend wouldn’t have the same judgment, meaning that many photos you think are bad are probably not bad at all. Perhaps we’re being too hard on ourselves. The truth is that photos are simply snapshots of moments already experienced. They don’t have to be held onto to hate or critique ourselves. When I started judging what my body looks like in this photo, I reminded myself of the moment it was taken. I was initially judgmental of my stomach and thighs. So I then challenged myself to remember that it was a fun day on the beach and my friend was teaching me yoga moves I hadn’t tried before because I didn’t think I physically could do them. I proved myself wrong and was able to do a few of them really well. This pose was a challenge but it made me feel strong and rooted. And that’s my take-away: to recognize I felt strong and rooted, rather than shaming myself for being fat. And “fat” is just a descriptor, after all. When you reclaim it and see it in a different light, the negative connotations cannot hurt you. Be louder than what you fear the most. And show love and compassion to what is still healing.
Someone very kind painted stones and left them for others to pick and choose from in a Doctor’s office 💫 #payitforward
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