With Christmas quickly approaching, I wanted to voice a seldom discussed, yet noteworthy topic during this season of giving: suicide. A known red flag of an individual contemplating suicide is if they begin to give away their personal belongings. This action can be masked during gift-giving seasons and may, understandably, slide under the radar as it is marked as being “generous,” instead of being met with the proper concern.

Within this action or giving away belongings may be a plan to end one’s life, so the person is internally sorting out saying their goodbyes through directing their most prized possessions to the loved ones they want them to live on with. It’s a troubling state of mind to be in. It is vulnerable and raw. The tricky part is that sometimes people aren’t aware of the internal battle and may not see the warning signs, as depression is good at concealing. 

I’ve always felt deeply and because of it, I feel called to give. My gratitude is immense, so I want to express that I appreciate people’s support. Today when I want to give, I’m very thoughtful and intentional. My words and gifts mean a lot. It’s such a relief that I’ve gotten past the throes of depression and have a fire ignited within to keep fighting. I treasure all of my belongings today. I no longer feel an urge to give away my own joys because I intend to keep them. What helps me today is that I give all of my heart in my letters and gifts, but I don’t give away the part of me I need the most. There is a lot of power to be found in being thoughtful and genuine, and also protecting what you need to hang onto.

Giving my heart to people will always be my calling. I know what deep pain feels like, so I’m wanting to be that love for others and self that I always needed. It’s meaningful to be the healing powers that we needed when we were younger. In finding this healing energy, I save the most love for myself today. When I am pouring out my heart to others, I am actively pouring my heart out to my past, present, and future self, too.

I have found a new love for treasuring all my belongings and not wanting to give them away now that I’m well. I can recall when I was a teenager, I was telling a friend I couldn’t locate a certain belonging in my house, but I wanted to give it to them once I found it because I appreciated their support so much. It was very kind of them because they told me I should hang onto this belonging and that it was very sweet that I wanted to give it to them, but that it would serve me best the most. At that point in time, I was subconsciously working on giving away my belongings because I didn’t feel I had much of a fight left in me. I intended for this item to live on with them because it meant a lot to me. This person never knew that was the reasoning, but they could gather from it that maybe I wasn’t in the best headspace to make that decision. Today I’m very glad to still own that belogining; I treasure it. I didn’t think I’d be alive past my teenage years, so it’s cathartic to know I’ve made it into my adulthood. I am feeling so much better today and I know where my heart lies. Every chapter I’ve lived has acted as a new stepping stone towards healing the past and reclaiming my future.

If I can teach you anything, it would be to be open-minded to learning about mental health struggles like depression and to be compassionate. People don’t choose these struggles. It is never our responsibility to save someone necessarily, but the calling is that we are all human, we all hurt, and your support can truly change the trajectory of someone’s life in a positive way. Be aware of the warning signs of depression, like isolation, giving away one’s belongings, depressed speech, etc. You can call 988 or reach out to a trusted loved one if you recognize someone may be in crisis. If those are not viable options, going to a trusted authority figure or counselor can help, as they can lead you to the proper resources. Your vigilance in looking out for others is needed and appreciated.

As much as I write letters of gratitude and give gifts to the people in my life, I am also always writing myself love letters and treating myself to gifts. Something I’ve been planning for next year, with it being a major year of change for me, is writing letters to my future self. I have begun writing a letter to myself for when I leave my current jobs, for when I move to a new city, and for when I begin grad school. The most beautiful thing about my generosity is that it’s transformed to where I give to myself the same way I give to others; I pour my heart out to let the light in. My self care practices and inner child healing are incredibly therapeutic and keep me in good spirits and on a good path. I treat myself gently and with grace in open arms. I’ve grown to love myself the way I love others.

Over the summer I was so excited to purchase a bigger gift for myself — a Scout storage bin, which holds my sentimental belongings. The bin is pretty to look at and it’s very sturdy and large. I keep every letter I receive, so I have cards in there from my Grandmom from the early 2000s, to graduation and birthday cards, to ones I just received this holiday season. In fighting depression, it keeps me grounded to look through these priceless artifacts of a well-loved life on days I could use the extra love. External support, for me, has led to my own internal support; sometimes we need to be shown love first in order to learn how to show it to ourselves. Sometimes we need to be shown that we are worthy.

As my first long-term therapist has taught me, life is like a spiral — we are always coming back around to old thoughts, patterns, and experiences, and learning and applying new truths to them. The old truth is that I’m a giver who couldn’t give to myself. Today’s truth is that I’m a giver to everyone because that is how I carve out meaning and purpose. And with that said, the new truth is that I give especially to myself, and that’s truly the best gift of all.