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Lexie Manion

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Month: May 2020

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I Have Bipolar Disorder

I Have Bipolar Disorder

It was spring 2019 when I began feeling not myself.

May 17, 2020July 31, 2022 by Lexie Manion

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Flip that narrative. Be the love you need.

[Love is calling you.]

Dissociation is a trauma response; it shields us from the pain. I call it a floating cloud of nothingness. Dissociation occurs mentally in order to protect our bodies and minds from emotional pain. Of course, it protected me often, but it always came with a price. I’d dissociate most frequently in therapy. It can appear very concerning to outsiders who are not familiar with the trauma response, as it is a checked out state. Whenever my body could not handle the pain, I’d feel my limbs begin to go numb and my mind shut down. It was a reaction to overwhelm, and once I got deeper into the nothingness, the more intense a flashback, it was harder to come back and be present. ⁣

A story I was reminded of recently was that when I was a teenager, I self-harmed one day. Self-harm can be a means of numbing. It can also be a white flag for some; a warning signal of smoke from the fire. We learn that “attention seeking” is actually more truly aligned with “connection seeking”.

My body image suffers at times when I don’t know what I look like, but not in the traditional sense. My mind carries the weight of all the pointed words I’ve been told throughout my life. I don’t see attributes that are “ugly” in my mind’s eye per se; I more-so see a looming shadow of myself, with all the judgments grabbing at my trembling mind.⁣ I’m always surprised when I look in the mirror because I don’t see this unworthiness I feel at times; I see softness, strength, and beauty.

I’m just here for the hot cocoa, high ponytails, homey oversized, and heavenly cutouts. 🤎⁣

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